Ezekiel 25:17
“The path of the righteous team is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of biased umpires. Blessed is he who in the name of the Griffs shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost motivation. And we will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy our brothers. And you will know our name is The Griffs when we lay our vengeance upon thee.”
Last week I spoke of retribution – and via the liberal use of a few bad analogies, attempted to grasp at the very scruff of the collective Griffin neck and shake it violently back to life. Like a virgin pounding on the chest of her fallen hero, stuck down by a stray arrow in the heat of battle, I pleaded. Perhaps it was my inspirational words; collective pride perhaps…or perhaps it was a motivation off the back of the [empty] promise of a post game skottel braai which ignited the fire in the belly of the Griffins?
The scene was set, all accounted for with 2 minutes to pushback. A squat Griffin, going by the name of Spicko, sat couched on the tarmac, eagerly sliding his coppers around into various formations whilst his comrades looked on: some with expressions mild dismay, others confusion, and a few confidently nodding their heads in agreement, their eyes later darting around for affirmation of insanity whenever Spicko turned his head. A Griffin would have been forgiven for trying to buy a “matchbox full”, such was nature of the huddle that confronted them. Still reeling from the post match “3 cheers for the 2As” blunder from Pykey Pykey last year, I feared for a fleeting moment that there might be a “1-2-3 GRIFFINS!!” chant, but my faith was thankfully restored.
Strange antics aside, this seemed to demonstrate the mindset with which the Griffs were approaching the game. The Hampstead and Westminster (self proclaimed “Dog Balls”) team looked cute in their freshly ironed kit, yet the lethargy of playing at a more acceptable 15:00 in the afternoon was evident and the Griffins pounced upon it. Two starting 11 players short this week was no chink in the armour though. A cunning decision to rotate Griffin The Don to centre forward proving key in the tactics. I can report that he was overheard muttering “je moeder”, in a slightly offbeat Dutch accent, to his opposite number moments before the whistle was heard. A few quick passes later saw the Griffs in the D and narrowly missing an opening goal in the first minute of the game.
The Griffs led the attack from thereon in with a focused short game and well placed crosses slicing the park open for number of golden opportunities. A constantly rotating bench ensured that the tempo of the attack on the pitch was rivalled only by that from the side of the pitch, courtesy of Griffin Chappers. Evidently on the back foot, the Dog Balls resorted to underhanded tactics, well demonstrated by the chubby defensive stepping directly on the fleet foot of Pykey Pykey as he entered the D for a certain goal. The theatrics that followed resulted in Pykey being escorted from the pitch and into the arms of his less than sympathetic WAG, who later commented to Griffin Chemo along the lines of “I wish he would just grow a pair!”, to which Chemo kicked an imaginary pebble and whistled a nondescript tune into the breeze. Invigorated by this display of disrespect for his transports, Pykey returned to the pitch and displayed a previously unseen manoeuvre which left his opponent bedazzled and has been since dubbed the “Pykey Shuffle”.
The end of the first half saw the score line at an unrepresentative zero apiece. Undeterred, the Griffs soldiered on, only to be rewarded with short corner a few minutes into the second half. Following the recent mutiny of the former captain and short corner striker, Lenny Struanwotshisface (?!), the Griffins have been forced to try all manner of short corner variations in the recent games. Although known for his unrivalled beat when he gets a whiff of a goal (and for self-inflicted fines of his own accord in isolation whenever he gets the opportunity), Griffin Pacman has had to step up to the plate. A deceptive wet-newspaper-like strike confused the defence as it bopped happily into the corner of the goal without so much as whisper on the backboard.
The crowd erupted as Pacman punched the air in delight, eternally aware that he had broken the Griffin goal drought of 2009 and that an Arab Spring would probably do him more damage than good. As has become the custom, a momentary lapse into post goal euphoria found Griffin Walrus having to shake off the cobwebs and display some mettle; a responsibility he displayed with much gusto. It was pointed out that the losing streak endured since assuming his captaincy was in very real danger of becoming a record and he was “fkkkd if that is happening in my D!!”. In the excitement Griffin Old Raj, responded by narrowly missing a goal, which was promptly followed by a card of the yellow variety – a seemingly rewardable offence had the umpires not handed out approximately 9 of them throughout the game.
With 10 minutes to go, Griffins Smithers and Diego broke the last line of defence and hurtled toward the D. In an honourable display of buck passing, consisting of no fewer than 4 passes across the mouth of the goal, Diego finally took it upon himself to usher it into the net before celebrating in a style not uncommon in Latin America. Fierce defence dominated play in the remaining minutes creating an impenetrable boundary within the 16 yard. As the sands of the last minute slipped away, the Griffs broke through the defence once more creating a one-on-one situation between the striker and keeper with the defender in tow. Such was the speed of the turnaround that the umpires were left for dust and a last ditch ankle tap on the top of the D went unpunished. A string of expletives followed before the umpire put an end to the misery with the final whistle. The crowd broke the boundaries and flooded the pitch to exchange high fives with the triumphant and point and laugh at the Dog Balls. Harsh…but fair.
Post match celebrations were rife. Leading up to the game, and in honour of Valentines Day, the “Foxies” requested the pleasure of the Griffins company for a combined rewards ceremony. They had clearly heard rumours of the Griffin virility and quite frankly wanted a piece. As it turned out, they needed a piece and, following the pleasant company of the likes of “The Ginger Princess” and “Sp3rm Catcher” the goggle prescription was upped a few notches and more than a lion’s share of beer was consumed (well they weren’t going to call themselves “The Grunts” were they?).
Rewards were aplenty with man of the match going to recent recruit Griffin Just Andrew; Nick Bentely bestowing his much sort after accolade to Griffin Chemo and the Rory Campbell award of Excellence (endorsed by the Gerhard Schmikl Foundation of Incompetence) unallocated following its absence for the second week running (death follows The Don like a shadow). The fines chair (Griffin Baar) was rewarded for his previous week’s performance off the pitch (and in bed as it turns out), whilst Griffin Smithers once again accumulated much praise for his well-deserved self-gratification in the change room, and I paraphrase: “I fkkkn rocked out there today! You should have seen it. Did you okes see me? J3sus I am good.”
In a valiant effort to attain the much sort after “Off the pitch antics” award, Griffin Baar once again found himself at the end of the evening, face to face with the law having passed out in front of his door and then subsequently failing to display proof of residence when questioned. Keep up the good work son, you are streaks ahead.
Next week see the Griffs taking on the distant cousins of the Dog Balls, Hampstead and Westminster 4s. Having recently been thumped by the 2As, the Griffins will be keen to rub salt in the wound…especially that tall cnut!
Griffin News, Raggy Omar reporting
19/02/2009
