Snow Pigs, Walruses and Tramps
The pre-match gossip was everywhere, indeed the fixture promised much. On paper - a full strength Griffin team was primed with the return of key Griffins Pacman and Judge. The opposition - Tulse Hill & Dulwich, an attacking team with pace up front benefiting from momentum on the league table.
Despite a home advantage the Griffins suffered an early set back in the form of a 10am push back. However, not to be beaten by the early start Griffins from the four corners of London (including Griffin Scale of Reading) began to turn up. All but Griffin Baar managed to beat the cold, travel problems and early start. Sources on the ground suggest his absence was down to an evening of rampant gay sex and a terrible rash resulting from the use of several tubes of KY jelly.
It could be argued that the playing surface was another unfortunate challenge destined to ruin the day of the Griffin juggernaut. Saying that the pitch that had more ice on it than a Griffin Schmikl snow pig would be an injustice but majority agreement to get the match underway saw play commence.
The first half was dominated by the visitors whose style of play seemed accentuated by the icy conditions. A combination of crisp accurate passing and the pace of a Rambo/ John McEnroe character saw the Griffs run ragged at the back. A key moment in the game came when Griffin Walrus, faced with a 1-on-1 with John McEnRambo, decided to teach the forward a lesson by flooring him top D and then sentencing him to the ranks of Griffin Frodo by saving the resulting P-flick – cue raucous chants of “ORR ORR ORR ORR!”
In fact if not for the efforts of man of the match Walrus the men in maroon would have been more than just the rather flattering 2-0 down at half time.
With the pitch completely thawed half time changes were rung. Despite cameos from new Griffin Just Andrew and his introducer Griffin Johnno Griffin goals were few and far between and the away keeper was never really tested. Once again the opposition found away through the impregnable (well almost) Walrus to make the final score 3-0.
Post match fines were also thrown into disarray. There was left handed drinking, the eating of liver paste and baguette due to a lack of hot food, Griffin Smithers downing beer half naked but most noticeably the lack of the democratically elected Fines Chair. However, the brave man that he is, Griffin Chemo stepped up to the plate and delivered carefully constructed and wildly fabricated fines.
This week saw Griffin Johnno take the lion’s share of the beer; he didn’t turn to last weeks match despite confirming his availability, his introduction of Griffin Just Andrew bombed as the new recruit was left to fend for himself for two weeks without the solid support of his tenuous link to the side and the fact that no one knew what the new recruit looked like two weeks ago almost resulted in another Andrew, a local big issue distributor, running on out for the Griffs in what was almost a massive case of mistaken identity. For a short period this incident also raised serious doubts over Griffin Johnno’s circle of friends and future inclusion in Griffin activity but all was restored when the real Andrew, Griffin Just Andrew, exposed the imposter by throwing 20p worth of coppers across his path.
Fines were also dished out for the following:
• Griffin Pykey confirming he doesn’t bat for the other side and that his girlfriend is real.
• Griffin Schmikl’s relaxed disposition over the passed few weeks. It was noted that a correlation exists between his goals scored per match and cards received. Not trying in one aspect of his game clearly influences the other part.
• Griffin Frodo moving from his old maroon t-shirt, in what could only be described as a massive change of character, to a brand new Richmond HC shirt – christened with a loss.
A serious omission from Saturday fines meeting and one which has been known to be punishable by death was the failed return of the “Rory Campbell award of excellence and the Gerald Schmikl award of incompetence”. Due to a massive lapse in judgement on the part of Griffin the Don, the traditional award and pride of the Griffin team did not receive a proud owner for the week.
All in all last weekend was a pretty piss poor effort by all concerned but by the Power of Grayskull the Griffins will take strength from this defeat and mark my words the juggernaut will return to fight another day and to consume vast amounts of boooooze from the right hand.
This Saturday sees the Griffs at home to the Dutch international squad – let’s hope that fingers are removed from backsides and that the Griffin complete a season double over their rivals. Also with news of Griffin Smithers family potentially preparing a skottel braai after the match lets hope that spirits are high.
Griffin news, Raggy Omar reporting
10/02/2009
