The Griffs

 When working out which European festival we should attend, there was only one sensible solution from Dr Gepetto……

Let’s get scientific about this. While both destinations will not disappoint as far as quality goes, let’s be honest, while quality over quantity is important…..quality AND quantity is simply better!!!
 
We should calculate the B/G ratio for each tournament (B/G ratio: Bush to Griffin ratio). It’s a very simple valuation ratio of a tournament’s potential female attendance compared to the number of touring Griffs.
 
Example - with 13 touring Griffs, should the following tournaments host the following numbers, we will see how their B/G ratios compare (a high B/G is good):
Kiel - 6 touring ladies teams x 14 players = 84 divide by 13 = B/G 6.46
Konstanz - 8 touring ladies teams x 14 = 112/13 = B/G 8.6
Duesseldorf - 7 touring ladies teams x 14 = 98/13 = B/G 7.53
Hertogenbosch - 10 touring ladies teams x 14 = 140/13 - B/G 10.76
 
We can immediately see that Hertogenbosch would be the most suitable tournament.
 
VC and Numchucks, please report back with the expected B/G ratios for each of these tournaments so that planning may commence!!!
 
Yours in bush tactics,
Dr Gepetto

I would like to second the commendation for Griffin Jeroen Nunchuk for his superb organisation of the Poetry In Motion weekend, and reassert my dismay that he was unfortunately incapacitated and unable to attend (although his liver is currently thanking it’s lucky stars - in complete contrast to mine).
 
For those not in attendence I am happy to report that the Students were educated in the ways of hockey: we won 10-0… just to make the 2As THINK we got a walkover.
 
With the 2As playing the Oxford Students next week, and with the Students’ term having finished last week, they can safely chalk up their 4th (!) 10-0 walkover of the season. (Is that even allowed?)
 
All of which means that, as VC said, if we win our final 2 games of the season against Hampstead & Westminster (away) and Old Loughts (away) we’ll be crowned Division 3 Champions.
 
Finally, for those unable to experience the sophistimacated delights of the Griffs’ poetry on Saturday evening, here’s a taster of what the good people of Oxford were forced to enjoy:
 
IF…

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and shouting at the umpire,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
And don’t pass to you when you’re wide open

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
When you’re a substitute and the rain is falling,
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by fools intent on getting you fined;

If you can dream – of another year of promotion;
If you can think – that the 2As don’t deserve the title;
If you can meet with Chappers and Robbo;
And treat those two impostors just the same;

Yours is Richmond and everything that’s in it,
And - which is more - you’ll be a Griffin, my son!
 
Pykey Pykey

Dear Griffs,

 In the heat of our preparation for our derby against the 2A’s I would like to remind you that we are on higher moral grounds whatever the result of Saturday maybe! “Damn’ thou who got a win without a proper battle for it” is my favourite Shakespeare quote for that particular matter.

A propos Shakespeare, I have the honour and pleasure to herewith invite you - on behalf our well respected literature critic Lord Struan of Wimbledon and myself – to the first “Griffin’s Poetry in Motion Festival” on Saturday March 8th in the lovely city of Oxford, Oxfordshire.

 The arty program for that day will be:

1030 – 1200 Classical Shakespeare drama called “Richmond Griffins against the Oxford Baby Boys”

1200 – 1400 Chill-out and light pub lunch with an introductory speech of Lord Struan of Wimbledon 

1400 – 1500 Check In at the luxury 5* Premier Inn Oxford Business Park at the Garsington Road, OX4 2JZ

1500 – 1700 Guided introductory walking tour through Oxford city centre with some refreshments on the way

1700 – 1900 Part 1 of the Poetry in Motion Oxford Pub Tour “In the footsteps of J.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis”

1900 – 2100 Exquisite dinner in one of the most famous literature cafes

2100 – 2400 Part 2 of the Poetry in Motion Oxford Pub Tour “In the footsteps of J.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis”

2400 -          The Griffin’s Poet of the Year Award Ceremony at Nightclub The Bridge, led by Lord Struan of Wimbledon and Yerom Nunchuk, Japanese Award Winning Match Day Reporter.

During the Poetry in Motion Tour we will have the famous ‘Stand Up Poetry Competition’, where each participant will be asked to perform a memorable act with some light entertainment involving any normal Oxford pub visitors or tourists. This to obey our duty to spread the Word of Higher Literature and Poetry across to normal human beings. Oh Lord, Halleluja! So come prepared! Lord Struan and myself will objectively and based upon a livelong experience in performance poetry award the Griffin’s Poet of the Year in an Oscar-like setting at Nightclub The Bridge.

As the motto under literature friends is ‘we do not care we share’, we have reserved a number of double-bedrooms at the price of 32 GBP/head to be paid at arrival. So if you ever wanted a long night of reciting poems back-to-back under one cover with a brother-in-spirit, than come in and join us. Furthermore we request an upfront cash fee of 30 GBP/head to cover the costs of the guided tour, dinner and a couple of drinks. To be paid after the Shakespear Drama. Refunds only possible in liquid form. Please confirm your presence by replying to this email at your earliest convenience and tick the following boxes:

Yes, I would like to be at the Shakespear Drama “Richmond Griffins against the Oxford Baby Boys” at 1030
No, I can not participate because the In-Laws are coming and I am taking them on a boring boat tour across the Thames and than have dinner in a cheap dirty Asian hole in Soho/Chinatown

Yes, I need a bed for the night at 32 GBP/head and love to share it with one of the other great Griffin’s Poets
No, I have to get home to my missus straight after the match, because she is afraid that our night of poetry will end up in an ordinary binge drinking event in a table dance bar

Yes, I want to participate in the Griffin’s Poet of the Year Award Contest
No, I am too shy to recite a poem in a packed pub full of Rugby Hooligans. I rather prefer to perform a pole dancing act at breakfast the next morning.

Gentlemen, please note that dress-code for the event will be Griffins Maroon and White for the Shakespear Drama and ‘Literature Critics Costume with (Bow) Tie’ for the remainder of the event. In bed you can wear whatever you want. I need your confirmations by Tuesday March 4th Close of Play, so that I can confirm the hotel rooms.We are looking forward to seeing you in Oxford on March 8th 2008!

 The Griffins European Tour and Travel CommitteeSgd. Lord Struan of Wimbledon,
Senior Vice-President and
Prof. Dr. Dr. H.C. in British Higher Morale Standards Literature 

Sgd. Yerom Nunchuk,
Chief Executive Assistant Manager and
Japanese Match Reporter of the Year Award Winner 

Dear Spicko,
 
I wonder whether it was the beers or my posing act on the table in lederhosen that switched off your brains and on your basic instincts, but never mind here they come: the Griffs events for 2008, the year of the krauths (forget the rats):
 
• Sat March 8th thru Sunday March 9th after match event in Oxford. We will stay in the luxury local YMCA for 22 GBP/head and than run off for a game of pub crawling through the ancient town centre. You need to prepare a cabaret act for one of the pubs involving non-Griffs-public, preferably female. Extra points if you score a smelly Australian female tourist with a beard in our 6-bed-room, while she is still wearing her tracking boots. Objective refereeing by Struan and myself.
• Fri Aug 1st thru Sunday Aug 3rd mixed hockey tournament at HTHC in Hamburg. We will party in a river-beach-club, on the famous ‘Kiez’ and in the club owned swimming pool. Everywhere you look, blond! I will arrange a place where you can leave your bags and take a shower, but everybody is responsible for finding his own bed. I will arrange emergency shelter for all those poor buggers who can not take care of themselves. But please than do not complain, if she is not your type.
• Fri Sep 19 thru Sun Sep 21 OCTOBERFEST in Munich! Find yourself a lederhosen and get going. We will warm up on Friday night in one of the most famous Munich beer gardens and than…. Sat 1000 Weisswurscht-fruehstueck im Augustiner, Sat 1200 opening of the Octoberfest im Hofbraeuzelt, from 1200-2300 drink drink dance sing drink, Sat 2300 chill out in one of the local posh clubs. And Sunday? All over again. Take the Monday off to relax, because you will be totally and utterly broken down. But you will be able to sing in German, know the secret of push up bra’s and have learned that there is more in German beer than just 5.0%…
 
I will get the details out asap and propose flights/accommodation. Than the sign in procedure will start. I count on you.
 
 
Yours faithfully,
Nunchuck,
Griffins’ European Festival And Travel Tour Operator

The Griffins Poetry in Motion tour, Oxford 2008-03-08
Theatres the Griffs will possibly perform in (in no particular order):
1. The Turf- 4 Bath Place Holywell, Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX1 3SU (Imran Khan was the subject of racial abuse here where a local yobo told him “Dover, now fuck off”, after over hearing Imi ask the barman what their best port was. Imi single handily destroyed England in their next test)
2. Jericho Tavern- 56 Walton Street, Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX2 6AE (Radiohead played their first ever gig here)
3. The Old Bookbinders Arms-17-18 Victor Street, Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX2 6BT (Michael Palin invented the silly walk here)
4. The Three Goats Head-3A St. Michaels Street, Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX1 2DR (Many a dirty deed has been performed at the goats head including Tony Blair’s infamous “inverted warthog” trick)
5. The Eagle and Child- 49 St Giles, Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX1 3LU (JRR Tolkien met a man named Baggins here and took a liking to him. The in-house resident bum claims to have defeated Old Raj in a boat race in 1978)
6. The Lamb and Flag- 12 St Giles, Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX1 3JS (Nothing significant has ever happened here. Occasionally the owner hands out free rounds- we should push for this)
7. The Grapes- 7, George St, Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX1 2AT (A venue where Bill Clinton once received five inches of head)
8. The Kings Arms- 40 Holywell Street, Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX1 3SP (Rumour has it that William Shakespeare once clocked a litre of ale in 4.2 seconds here while visiting a mate)
9. The Head of the River-Folly Bridge (bottom of High Street past Christ Church), Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX1 4LB (Apparently Hitler did not bomb Oxford because of the extraordinary beer that poured out of the taps at this pub)
10. The Bear- 6 Alfred Street, Oxford, Oxfordshire, OX1 4EH (According to Gaz, this venue is 7000 years old)
11. Madgalen College bar- On the way down the High Street towards the hotel
12. Exeter College bar- Turl Street off Broad Street (They serve snakebites)
13. The Bridge nightclub- 6-9 Hythe Brige Street, OX1 2EW (This has been built for our arrival in Oxford and locals assure us of a very impressive BG ratio, especially as it is the end of term)
14. Lava Ignite nightclub-Cantay House, Park End street, OX1 1JD (This is a meat market, BG ratio unknown)
15. The Zodiac (Carling Academy) nighclub- 190 Cowley Road OX4 1UE (near hotel)

Theatres the Griffs will not perform in:
1. The Coven- (It’s best not to speak about The Coven)

The memorable acts programme:
Venue 1-Oscar Wilde, Venue 2-Tolkien, Venue 3-Margaret Thatcher, Venue 4-King Herald V Norway, Venue 5-Cecil Day-Lewis, Venue6-Rowan Atkinson.
The Bridge Nightclub- Griffin Poet of the Year award

“Beer is living proof God loves us and wants us to be happy”- Benjamin Franklin

Yours in poetic truth,

 Griffin Lenny (Lord Struan of Wimbledon)